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Good day, scenario normies! A fast housekeeping observe earlier than we begin. This Sunday’s story is for paying subscribers solely. Meaning 98% of you received’t get to learn this Sunday’s story. But it surely doesn’t should be like that. When you get pleasure from Scenario Regular each Wednesday and Sunday, please think about upgrading to a paid subscription. Your help makes it doable to do that work🙏
The sandwiches on the San Carlo Deli are legit, however I come for the characters.
Think about The Idiosyncratic Sandwich Connoisseur. Her order is a case research in precision, weirdness, and veiled threats.
“Squeeze each loaf you bought, so I get the softest one,” she says. “Don’t you dare put the mayo instantly on the bread. Put it on the meat, otherwise you’ll fuck all the pieces up, and we’ll have an issue. I would like mustard, however I don’t wish to style mustard. Simply wave the mustard bottle over my sandwich—not the bread, rattling it, over the meat! Yet one more factor. I would like a good variety of pickle slices. Odd numbers are unhealthy luck.”
Then there’s the native neighborhood watch, which consists of 4 previous dudes who, so far as I can inform, come right here to shoot the shit and eat sandwiches.
“Somebody stole a pair bottles of booze from Vons,” one previous man says.
Two of the previous males within the neighborhood watch look horrified. Stolen booze is true up there with the Lindbergh child kidnapping and the Black Dahlia homicide so far as they’re involved. However the final member of the group is horrified by the true crime, which in his e book, is life insurance coverage.
“Have you learnt how a lot I pay in life insurance coverage?” he asks. “Seventeen grand a yr. Seventeen fucking grand a yr so I don’t die. You imagine that shit?”
No person bothers to clarify how life insurance coverage works. As a substitute it’s again to crime prevention.
“They need to have a cop watching the booze,” says the third previous man.
“Too costly,” says Mr. 17K, nevertheless it’s not clear if he’s referring to the cop, or his premiums.
“They need to put up a kind of locking gates,” says the third previous man. “To guard the booze.”
“However then they gotta open the gate at any time when somebody desires booze,” the primary previous man says.
“But it surely works, and it’s low cost” says the third previous man. “You may’t argue with that.”
The phrases you possibly can’t argue with that are a problem. However the first previous man doesn’t say “problem accepted,” like the children do as of late. As a substitute, he simply argues.
“Are you kidding?” the primary previous man asks. “They don’t wanna put up a gate as a result of it’s unhealthy for enterprise, slows down booze gross sales. You don’t wish to try this. Not on this financial system.”
“Not in any financial system,” the fourth previous man chimes in.
“Proper, in any financial system,” the primary previous man continues. “So that they lose a number of bottles of booze from time to time, so what? They’re insured!”
“An excessive amount of,” Mr. 17K says.
“So what if the world goes to hell in a hand basket?” the primary previous man asks. “Vons will get its cash a technique or one other. That’s what it’s all about. The underside line: cash, honey!”
Talking of cash, I must pay my test and get again to work. I toss out my trash and head as much as the register. There’s an previous girl forward of me in line. She speaks with the cashier, a barely youthful girl who seems to be about sixty. They converse in Italian. The dialog is animated, and I don’t know what they’re saying. However then I hear the next phrases in English: “Warrant out for his arrest.”
Does that imply there’s a suspect within the case of the lacking booze?
I look over on the neighborhood watch guys to see what they assume. However they’re not enthusiastic about what the previous girl has to say. Their sandwiches are prepared, which suggests it’s go time.
I really like ice cream. I don’t scream for it, however I adore it. If I needed to decide a final meal, it will completely embrace ice cream, ideally from McConnell’s, assuming whoever is organizing my final meal, and presumably executing me the next day, is prepared to drive to a McConnell’s location. However don’t get me mistaken. I’m not an ice cream snob. Each ice cream model is an effective ice cream model as a result of there’s no such factor as unhealthy ice cream. However there may be such a factor as a foul ice cream taste. Working example👇
After I noticed that signal, I used to be tempted to go inside and ask for a pattern. However the factor about free samples is that they aren’t actually free. Strive any taste you need—hell strive all of them—however there’s no method you’re leaving the shop with out shopping for a cone or a cup. The ice cream tycoons know this, and anybody who thinks they’ll beat the ice cream tycoons at their very own recreation is a idiot.
Since I’m making an attempt to chop again on sweets, and since I don’t think about myself a idiot, I didn’t go inside. However I did go house to seek the advice of Google. In keeping with a Baskin-Robbins press launch,
the brand new Chick’n & Waffles taste incorporates no precise rooster. What a reduction!
No meat? No drawback. This distinctive ice cream has been expertly crafted to imitate the style of fried rooster, however the perfect half is, it incorporates 0% actual rooster and is 100% scrumptious.
Sadly, the press launch didn’t clarify what they use to make the “chick’n.” However Baskin-Robbins did say that Chick’n & Waffles is a taste of the month, so perhaps we are able to anticipate another savory ice cream experiments all through 2023. Personally, I can’t watch for linguine & clams ice cream, or perhaps a shrimp fajita sorbet.
Between fee apps, crypto, and no matter else Silicon Valley desires up, money cash is underneath menace. Personally, I like money, and I’m not simply saying that as a result of money is king, and I’m a loyal topic. I like money as a result of it’s paper, and you may write bizarre notes on paper. Exhibit A👇
When you’re having bother studying the observe, it says: “I sucked dick for this. Keep in class. The wrestle is actual.” Quibble with the content material of the message in the event you like, however strive placing that message onto a Bitcoin, or into the memo line of your Venmo transaction. That simply doesn’t make sense, does it?
I interviewed Tami Rose to seek out out what it’s like operating an grownup novelty retailer in Mississippi. The responses to my interview with Tami have been overwhelmingly constructive. This time, I didn’t get any crap for writing about grownup leisure—one thing I can’t say about my profile of Sophia Locke, or my essay about attending a porn conference. I’d like to imagine that the constructive response is an indication of progress, however I’ve written sufficient about grownup leisure to know that intercourse toys are extra palatable than intercourse employees, to some folks anyway.
As soon as a month, I write about grownup leisure on this publication. I attempt to method these items with humor and humanity, and my hope is that the scenario normie neighborhood will be taught just a little extra a couple of matter that’s as widespread as it’s misunderstood. I take the identical method with my Porn Valley mysteries, however writing a novel permits me to take sure liberties by way of model and story. As my good friend Bob put it, “Not Protected for Work is a slacker noir you might tuck neatly between Fletch and The Massive Lebowski, with a splash of Boogie Nights, after all.” I paid Bob $20 to say that, so please assist me recoup my funding by buying a duplicate of Not Protected for Work👇
OK, it’s that point once more. I’ve acquired questions, perhaps you’ve acquired solutions.
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My native neighborhood watch appears stumped. Any concepts for stopping booze theft?
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Would you strive Chick’n & Waffles ice cream? Clarify.
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Think about Baskin-Robbins hires you to seek the advice of. What savory flavors would you pitch them?
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What’s on the menu to your final meal? Additionally, what crime did you commit, in the event you can say?
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Have you ever ever come throughout a observe written on money. What did it say?
And bear in mind, you’ll want a ticket to learn that story👇
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