NEW YORK—Thanking the pathetic particular person for serving to finish a scourge to the metropolis’s streets, the Metropolis of New York introduced Friday that Timothy Waller, a really unhappy man, had adopted all 500,000 of its feral cats. “Mr. Waller has gone above and past in serving to to stem the tide of stray felines by providing to place up your complete half-million-strong street-cat inhabitants in his garden-level studio condominium,” stated Mayor Eric Adams, who lauded the friendless man for coming to the rescue of the pack of stray and diseased cats by welcoming them into his “crushingly lonely existence.” “We owe a debt of gratitude to this pitiful New Yorker for believing—actually truthfully believing—that these cats may lastly fill the gaping gap left in his life by the dearth of any fulfilling relationships or romantic prospects in any way. He’ll instantly start taking over duty for feeding and taking part in with them, which must be no downside, since he’s informed us he has nothing higher to do along with his life. God, it simply breaks your coronary heart.” When pressed for remark, Waller insisted that the extra cats really got here on the excellent time provided that he’d been on the lookout for associates for the 200,000 different strays he already had.