Not too long ago, I used to be thrilled to be requested to offer the graduation handle for my daughter Eleanor’s high-school commencement.

(I nervous that Eleanor won’t be smitten by this growth, and I used to be stunned and happy that she was actually completely satisfied about it.)

One word, so the conclusion is sensible: The varsity track begins “We go forth unafraid/Robust with love and robust with studying” and the track’s remaining line is “Right here we’ve realized to go forth unafraid.”

In writing it, I needed to discover transcendent themes, and I did. However I’ve a really sensible facet, and with out fairly which means to do it, I wrote two graduation addresses: The Profound and The Sensible.

Right here’s the model I gave, about 5 important paradoxes:

+

Thanks, I’m so honored to be right here. Congratulations to the Head of Faculty, lecturers, proud households and associates, and, above all, to the category of 2023.

It’s deeply transferring to me to be right here as a mum or dad, to see all of you up on stage, wearing your caps and robes. I keep in mind taking a photograph of Eleanor outdoors Little Dalton on the primary day of kindergarten. I believed, “She’s already so massive!” and comforted myself by considering, “She’s solely in kindergarten, senior yr won’t ever come.”

But right here we’re, at that unimaginable milestone. The times are lengthy, however the years are quick.

Now, graduates, no matter you’re doing subsequent, you’re coming into a brand new stage of life. Your folks, your schedule, your metropolis, your relationship to your loved ones, what you eat for breakfast, all might change.

That’s thrilling, and likewise scary.

It’s possible you’ll fear, “How do I make sense of what’s coming subsequent, if all I do know is highschool?” Should you’re something like me, time and again in life, you’ll end up considering, “Gosh, this is rather like highschool!” Life is highschool; it’s simply that top faculty is the primary time we discover it.

Repeatedly, we’ve to begin over—discover our place, discover our associates, discover our approach to be on this planet.

I research happiness and human nature, and I’ve found one thing stunning: The alternative of a profound reality can also be true. So the research of happiness is commonly the research of paradoxes.

We grapple with these paradoxes all through our lives, and graduates, you’ve most likely confronted them many occasions already. Now you’re at a time of transition, after they change into notably pressing.

So I provide 5 important paradoxes that will aid you make sense of your experiences—what you’ve skilled previously and what you’ll expertise sooner or later. As a result of life is highschool, and highschool is life.

Paradox #1: Be egocentric, if just for selfless causes, and be selfless, if just for egocentric causes.

Relating to happiness, many individuals ask, “In a world filled with struggling and injustice, is it morally applicable for people to hunt to be happier?”

In reality, analysis exhibits—and expertise confirms—that once we’re happier, we’re extra more likely to interact with the issues of the world, to offer our money and time, to vote, and to be compassionate; and we’re extra interested by making change. Happiness doesn’t make individuals keep out late and occasion; it helps them determine, “Let’s begin a campus-wide rooftop photo voltaic program.”

Engaged on our personal happiness strengthens us to sort out the challenges of society. That airline reminder has change into a cliché as a result of it’s true: We every must safe our personal oxygen masks first, if we’re going to assist different individuals.

So, if it is egocentric to attempt to be happier, we needs to be egocentric, if just for selfless causes.

On the similar time, we needs to be selfless, if just for egocentric causes. Probably the greatest methods to make ourselves completely satisfied is to make different individuals completely satisfied. Do good, really feel good—it actually works! I keep in mind speaking to a buddy who, in her twenties, had gone via a really powerful time: her boyfriend broke up together with her, she received fired, and he or she was rejected from a graduate-school program. I requested her how she received via it, and he or she instructed me, “I used to be virtually hooked on volunteering and doing good deeds. They have been the one issues that made me really feel higher.”

We needs to be egocentric, if just for selfless causes, and be selfless, if just for egocentric causes.

Paradox #2: You’re distinctive, precisely like everybody else.

You’re certainly one of a sort, a singular mixture of talents and pursuits, and the identical factor is true of the individuals round you.

We’re all distinctive, and we’re additionally very peculiar. As an example, one of the common feelings is the sensation that you simply don’t belong. So if you really feel such as you don’t slot in—say, in your first day of freshman yr—you match proper in.

Even if you suppose, “Nobody feels the way in which I do,” most likely they do. Drummer Ringo Starr instructed a joke in regards to the summer time that the Beatles have been recording the White Album, when he briefly left the group. He visits John Lennon and says, “I’m leaving the group as a result of I’m not taking part in effectively and I really feel unloved…and also you three are actually shut.” John says, “I believed it was you three!” Then Ringo visits Paul McCartney and says, “I’m leaving the band. I really feel you three guys are actually shut and I’m out of it.” Paul replies, “‘I believed it was you three!” Ringo doesn’t even trouble to go to George Harrison.

As a result of we’re distinctive, precisely like everybody else, one nice problem of our lives is to know ourselves.

You would possibly suppose, “I do know myself, I hang around with myself all day lengthy,” however it’s laborious to know ourselves. We get distracted by the way in which we want we have been, or what different individuals need us to be, or we take our strengths with no consideration.

As a result of I write about happiness, individuals generally say to me, “Give me the quick reply. What’s the greatest, probably the most scientifically confirmed approach to change into happier?”

And I clarify, “There’s no one proper method. We every need to determine it out for ourselves.”

They are saying, “Positive, positive. Simply give me the greatest method.”

For a very long time, this query stumped me, however now after they ask, “What’s the greatest approach to create a contented life?” I reply, “What’s one of the best ways to prepare dinner an egg?” They are saying, “Properly, it relies on how you want your eggs.” I reply, “Proper! We every have the reply that’s proper for us.”

There can’t be a one-size-fits-all reply to inform you the right way to obtain your goals. Different individuals can recommend prospects, however they’ll’t determine it out for you—and you may’t determine it out for them.

You’re distinctive, precisely like everybody else.

Paradox #3: Not selecting is a alternative.

Throughout occasions of change, such because the one you graduates are coming into, we have to determine what we would like—and that’s daunting. As a result of that query is so laborious, once we’re confronted with selections, it’s straightforward to float.

 “Drift” is the choice we make by not deciding.

We drift once we really feel like different individuals or processes are transferring occasions ahead, and we’re simply being carried alongside. We drift once we discover ourselves doing or getting one thing as a result of the individuals round us are doing it or need it. You go to medical faculty as a result of each your mother and father are docs. You are taking a job as a result of somebody presents you that job.

We drift as a result of we would like the respect of the individuals round us, or we need to keep away from a struggle or a bout of insecurity, or we need to finish uncertainty, so we take the trail of least resistance.

I drifted into regulation faculty. I didn’t know what else to do, and I instructed myself, “It will hold my choices open,” “I can at all times change my thoughts later,” and “I can’t flip down this terrific alternative.”

The phrase “drift” has overtones of laziness or ease. Not true! Drift is commonly disguised by an enormous quantity of effort. For me, regulation faculty was drift, and it was laborious each step of the way in which, from learning for the LSAT to clerking for the Supreme Court docket.

Trying again, I’m glad I went to regulation faculty—and that’s one other complicated factor about drift! Generally drift does make you content; dangerous decision-making can result in good final result. However don’t rely on it.

Drift is harmful, as a result of once we drift, we’re not mindfully selecting. As author James Baldwin famous: “Should you don’t reside the one life you’ve, you received’t reside another life, you received’t reside any life in any respect.”

In the long run, we should select. As a result of not selecting is a alternative.   

Paradox #4: Settle for your self, and likewise anticipate extra from your self.

One nice problem is to be true to ourselves, but additionally push ourselves. This can be a very tough paradox. And also you, on the finish of your high-school years, are most likely very accustomed to it.

Generally it may be laborious to know when to just accept, “Hey, that’s not me, that’s not my factor,” or when to push ourselves towards a aim that’s uncomfortable.

In certainly one of my first jobs, a piece buddy instructed me that he’d gotten an awesome promotion, however as a part of it, he needed to give weekly shows to a big group—and he hated public talking. When he instructed his boss, his boss mentioned, “It’s okay, when you don’t need to do it, I’ll assign that position to another person.”

So my buddy needed to determine: Settle for himself, or anticipate extra from himself? He pushed himself to offer the shows.

As you take into account a tough goal, solely you may determine whether or not it’s the best goal for you. Must you take Statistics, be a part of the intramural basketball group, audition for the improv group, launch a start-up, run for workplace?

Accept your self, and likewise anticipate extra from your self.

Simply as we will use Paradox #4 to assist us perceive how we can take into account ourselves, we will use Paradox #5 to assist us perceive how others take into account us. 

Paradox #5: Love is unconditional, and love is demanding.

Graduates, I’m positive you’ve felt the burden of this paradox—most likely, fairly lately! Love accepts you simply as you’re, and love expects one of the best from you.

I heard an awesome instance of this paradox from musician Rosanne Money, a couple of dialog she had together with her husband and musical collaborator, John Leventhal. 

The 2 have been in Nashville, the place Rosanne did a visitor session on one other band’s album; John got here alongside to hang around throughout the recording. After the session, he didn’t say something, so Rosanne requested, “How did you prefer it?” He answered, “I’d have pushed you more durable.”

Love says, “You’re one of the best,” and love says, “You are able to do higher.”

Graduates, generally, the individuals round you—mother and father, lecturers, bosses, coaches, associates—might get this flawed; as a result of we see a lot good, we don’t understand once we’re pushing too laborious. However when you concentrate on all of the reminders, to-do lists, and lectures you’ve acquired, keep in mind, our insistence that you simply reside as much as your potential is an expression of our boundless love.

Love is unconditional, and love is demanding.

So these are 5 paradoxes for at the present time, which celebrates each an ending and a commencing.

And right here’s a bonus paradox: I’m unhappy to see the years at Dalton come to an finish, and I’m completely satisfied, too. I’m unhappy to say farewell to an establishment that my household loves, and completely satisfied to see all you graduates, able to exit into the world, robust with love and robust with studying. Now it’s time to go forth unafraid.  

Thanks.